do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
