not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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