yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
