My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She's the barista slut.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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