I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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