If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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