I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
