Umm I'm too high to move.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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