True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
