she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
