Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
