theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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