She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
