Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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