FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
