i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
