So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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