I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
