Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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