I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
