that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
