After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
