You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
