Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
