i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
