WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
