i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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