Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
