so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
