ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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