so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
