I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
