My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
