im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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