thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
