I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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