Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
