Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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