toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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