between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you never un-have a 4some
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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