you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Randomize
