Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
