the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
