I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
