Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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