You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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