Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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