Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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