you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
