R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
