My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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